Diary of a journey

One mans passing

August to December 1963

This is a joint dairy of husband and wife

This covers the last 4-5 months of a life and the passing

This is not channelled, this is a real life experience, I was actually john in this life, I have used past experiences and

And memories and the knowledge I had of my wife to

Open out the part of Cath (actual wives name)

my guides helped me with this and the memories needed and the immense strength to pull this off, I give great thanks to spirit for the chance to share this with others and help them to understand how dying is not just pain and hurt, or suffering for the people still alive

when i opened the door for this, I knew, i was going to deal with a issue that would bring people to their knees

but more than that, is the simple reason of this

if one can get this task done with the open and full skill needed to touch every part in the right way,

it is the spellweaving poet

why?? cos to really understand death and dying , we need to look at it from many angles, we teach about living life and life after death but we never really face death

the hows and whys, and how it affects us all, maybe you will learn a little maybe you will learn a lot, maybe it may change a simple moment or a lifetime,

maybe............

Aug 12 been sick for a while now, the dam headaches are getting a lot worse and my wife is nagging at me to go and see the doc

lol, told her it is just stress from work and not enough rest.

poss, its just a bug again, must make a note for new glasses.

Aug 13th I am worried about john, he seems to be getting ill a lot lately, I told him to get and see the doctor and he is not going to, typical john, he feels it is stress but I am not happy about this

Aug 15 not sure what happened today, everything went blurry and felt dizzy for a while, can’t tell Cath, gonna book into the doc next week sometime for a check up, dam stomach bugs

Aug 18th John was vomiting last night, I noticed when he got home from work, he looked pale and quiet, he didn’t say anything, but he picked at his tea and went to bed earlier than normal, I know john is stubborn but he needed to be seen to by the doctor.

Aug 20 am bleeding when I go to the toilet, don’t wanna alarm Cath but some things wrong with me, better see the doc ASAP

Eyesight is blurry a lot now, wonder why?

Aug 22 had doctors visit today, took blood, heart pressure, checked me out and back in 2 days for results, big caseload at work, can’t afford to miss too much work

Aug 23 th, john is overworking again, I wish he would slow down a bit, we miss him at home, the kids are sad because we do not get to share picnics at the park as much any more, they are beautiful kids, Annie 5 and Sammy 3, we have been married 6 years and I'm 23 and john is 25, high school sweethearts, dating since we were 15 years old, I am the house and john is the supervisor at the local chemical factory, it is a good life

1963 has turned out to be a good year for us.

Aug 24 doc wants to do more tests on me, said there is some thing he wants to check out, said yes to the stomach bug, but wants to check out the headaches more, so x-rays for me

told him, will have to arrange an hour away from work.

Aug 24th I wish john would be careful on his motorbike, it was raining today and I know the roads can get slippery at the best of times, john is talking about a new car because we are making more money now, with him working harder at the plant but I still him would take it easier.

Aug 27th The anniversary of our first date, we went to the dairy queen for a soda and to the movies and john was so kind and polite to my parents, they liked john a lot, father said he was a good lad and would make his family proud, I still remember it

27th august 1953 was our first date.

Aug 30 been really busy at work, but got the x-rays done at the hospital, and told the doctor about the motorcycle accident last year, when that car hit me, spent 3 weeks in hospital with a broken arm, ribs and a fractured skull.

Sept 2nd doc wants to see me urgently, not sure why am going in the morning

Sept 3rd john came home from work and said that we need to visit the doctor together but he will not say why, I did not know john had gone to the doctor but I am happy to know that he has gone there, the children want to go to the park this weekend and john has agreed to spend the day with us, and I am so happy that he has agreed to do that.

septi 4th dear god, john has a brain tumour, dr Harrison said it is caused by johns motorbike accident last year, they are talking about surgery, but it is risky, dear god, I don’t understand how this come happen to john

sept 4th doc said brain tumour, explains the eyesight and headaches, risky op and then back to work, can not afford to take too much time off work, said about one month off work

not sure, if he is joking or serious.

Sept 6th weekend tomorrow, have to spend the day with the kids

day in the park, Cath is not really saying much lately, not sure why, nothing to worry about, just a simple op and back to normal

again, no worries

Sept, 10th I wish john would talk to me about this tumour, I am so worried about this, we have no idea what is going to happen and I am so scared, my parents are going to take the children for a weekend so I can talk to john about the future and how we are going to handle things that come up, he is getting angry if I bring it up too much but I need to talk about things.

Sept 11 well, into hospital on the 18th for a biopsy, to see what kind of tumour it is and we go from there, be in hospital for three days thats all, still can’t see what caths prob is

Sept 12th I don’t know if john understands how I feel about this, I know he is confused and having problem but I do wish we could talk about it, we are a family and we need to discuss what this means for the whole family, dr Harrison said john needs a biopsy to identify the type of tumour, it is a quick operation and john may be back at work in 5 days

Sept 16 Cath doesn’t understand, there is not much to talk about, it is a simple op and things will be ok, I am sure of it and I can not see a problem and I wish she would understand

Sept 18th john is in the hospital and the surgeon did the biopsy, the tumour is showing in the x-ray and the surgeon said that is rare, normally tumours do not show up in x-rays but at least we know that we can be certain that the surgeon is aware that the tumour is there in johns head, the children are at my parents and I will be waiting with john for the results of the biopsy

Sept 20th dear god, I do not understand this, why is this happening to us, john has a grade 4 tumour in his brain, the surgeon said it is a glioma tumour, a rare kind called medulloblastoma, and that john urgently needs a craniotomy

without it, john will definitely die.

Tumours are graded from 1 to 4 1 being slowest growth to 4 fast growth and malignant

A glioma tumour is a kind of base tumour of the brain

Medulloblastoma is a rare form of tumour in adults and is more common in children

A craniotomy is the operation where the skull is opened for various operations

Depending on where the tumour is sited, it may not be able to be removed fully by surgery and this is called a partial resection

It was estimated that I had the tumour for about 9 months before it was diagnosed with it, 3 months later, I was dead

sept 24th john and I spoke last night, and it was so painful for us

john opened up and admitted about the tumour and worried about us as a family, we have spoke with the doctor and we are aware that it is terminal, john is going to pass because there is no way to remove the tumour, john talks about the future without him and can the children and I cope, I don’t understand this, why god??? why john??? I love him so much, please god, let john stay, please...................

sept 24 i am still not understanding this much, I can not imagine not being here with my family and my job, cath annie and sammy are my everything, and I want to spend all my time with them from now on, the doctor told me about the tumour but it did not sink up, I do not understand why they can not do anything, my family need me

0ct 10th john is back in hospital again he collapsed down the stairs and I had to call the ambulance, there was blood coming out of his ear and they rushed him to hospital, I know his balance was failing and he was having trouble walking and talking a lot, the children are asking about daddy a lot because they are not sure why daddy can not play with them as much any more, the life insurance is going to pay out but it will not change anything anymore, i am losing john and nobody can tell me why

we planned the future and the new car and everything was so good for us, i do not understand why this is happening, what did john do to deserve this.

0ct 12 th john is drifting in and out of consciousness now, he is not really coherent, the doctor said this is due to the fall and swelling of the brain due to the tumour, this is not the john i know and love, this is a man called john who is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and drips in him, it is not my husband who holds me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me................

oct 17th john is conscious but having a lot of trouble talking to people, it is like he is in a dream state most of the time and drifting in and out of reality a lot, dear god we love him, don’t let him suffer.........

because of the damage and the tumour, i never regained a full conscious state again, i could think clearly but my body was not responding any more, because i could think tho, i will continue the thoughts and emotions in the form of the diary to make it easy for you to read and understand, i have left out a lot of the confused thoughts and prayers and focused on the main areas

of what i felt and thought

cath brought annie and sammy in today and they were very scared of me, I am not their daddy, I am a man in a bed that is

dribbling at the mouth, and staring all around the room, i can not control my body any more, and i have bandages around my head and tubes in my arms for medications and pain relief

I want to hold my wife and children again in my arms and tell them I love them so much, I am scared, I have never felt this helpless before and this scares me a lot, what is happening to me

oct 20th I sat the children down and told them that daddy is ill and will be staying in the hospital for a long time now, dear god,

john is going to die, I am going to lose a husband, the children, their father, his parents a son, so many people are losing john

dear god, I don’t understand why, but in your infinite wisdom, you have john in your arms lord, I pray that he will be safe in your arms, we prayed at church today and i spoke to father samuels too, he said, the lords way is not for us to understand he has waiting for john to come home and tho john suffers, the lord will watch over him and us and keep us safe.

oct 23rd I wish people would stop saying they are so sorry to me, they are not sorry, they do not understand what it is like to lose john as a husband and a father, they are talking like john is already dead, he is not dead my husband is laying in his hospital bed up at the hospital with his tubes and drips and bandages and nurses..... oh god.... my john..........i am losing my john

no please no......... dear god.......... don’t take my john please

I have many thoughts running through my head about life now and what happens after i die, I am so scared of never seeing everybody again and we were taught in church that it is only death til judgement day, but my family are left behind, why do people not talk to me now, i am still here, I am alive still, I can hear you talking to me, please talk to me, I am scared

please somebody tell me what is happening, I want to know please, I can feel my body growing weaker now and I know i can never tell my children, i love them or hold them or cath again

is this dying, is it hell?, i .... please let me say i love them god,.... please just this once..............................

by this stage, my muscles were so weak, that i had no control over them and i was on a respirator, my lungs were slowly flooding with liquid and i was not able to see clearly or hearing clearly anymore, for anybody who has a dying person that they are tending to, please understand, this IS hell on earth,

it is like being isolated from the rest of the world

a lot of times we talk about missing the chance to say we love somebody when they are gone, ok true that hurts, so this is the view from the other persons position, they sometimes never get the chance either/

i felt cath squeeze my hand and i know she loves me so much and the children too, I can not see her anymore, I can not move my body and my head is full of pressure, i feel the movement of the bed as people move around me, but I can not do anything and i sleep a lot and I have trouble breathing a lot

I am scared and I hate being like this now,

I can not tell if cath is there or not anymore..............

oct 30th I understand now that john is dying and will be gone soon, I tell him all the time that I love him and I hope he can hear me, he shows no respond to my words but I feel in my heart that he knows that we all care so much about him, I told john that I am so happy we spent our life together and how much he means to me, I know that soon john will be gone, and I can not imagine life without him

john often said, that a person is only dead when the last memory of them is forgotten and they are lost in the mists of time, well I will never forget you john and I will never stop loving you............

nov 10th john I do not know where you will go or why you will go there, but in my heart you hold a place eternal, I may have to let you go in life but never in my heart, john, i love you as my husband and partner, the children’s father and a friend to many

I know god is holding you in his arms and john, thank you for life with you, please john, when you are in heaven, watch over us please and watch the children grow...............

the heart monitor is slowing john, and you are leaving us, please john, know that we love you eternal........

john we all love you.....

goodbye john.......

love you........................................................

and my world grew dark as I said i love you................................................

NB in 1997 I buried cath as my 3 day old god-daughter, she died in my arms and I got to say I love you and goodbye